Friend: I've heard about "free" and "proprietary" software... Why do you call "proprietary" the non-free software?
Programmer: It's simple... Because when you buy the software, in a weird way, it becomes your proprietary... He owns you!
Friend: But if I bought it, i'm the owner!
Programmer: Really?? So, who defines how will you use the software? Or on how many computers you can use it? Or if you can update it? Or else, who chooses if you can know how it works inside...

/* True story sent by Erisvaldo Carvalho */
Manager: What code is it that you're trying to fix?
Programmer: SQL...
Manager: Hmmm... Let me see it...
Manager: I wonder that the error is there on these -- (minus minus), because "minus minus" equals "plus"... It's a calculus fail

/* True story sent by Aloisio Almeida Jr */
Wife: Darling, you never told what you're working on
Programmer: It's because my actual project is classified...
Wife: What??? Are you saying you don't trust me?!?
Programmer: HUMPF... ok, I tell you...
15 minutes later (after a "for dummies" explanation)
Programmer: So, this is it... Got it?
Wife: Oh, no... But I don't care...

/* True story sent by bruno */
Boss: That form you made on site isn't working...
Programmer: Wait a minute... I'll fix it...
Programmer: And... It's done.
Boss: Alright, I'll see it...
Hours later...
Boss: Weird... When you told me that it's done, that form wasn't working yet... It started to work only a couple of hours later, after I press F5

/* True story sent by Ian Magalhães */
Wife: Wow! Did you create this site?
Programmer: Yeah!
Wife: And what's that logo at the bottom?
Programmer: It's designer's logo
Wife: So, who created the site, He or you?
Programmer: I programmed... He did the layout!
Wife: So, he created...

/* True story sent by Marcos Henrique */
Boss: What are you doing?
Programmer: Programming...
Boss: Great! come here and help me move a cabinet
Programmer: There's no one else to help you?
Boss: No, everyone else is working!

/* True story sent by Maxmiliano Franco Braga */
A.P.: Hey man, do you know that form you did?
Programmer: Yeah...
A.P.: Well, it's crashing on line 12. Could you...
Programmer: Okay, you can fix it! It's open source!

/* True story sent by Uilson */
Boss: We need better equipment
2 days later...
Boss: We have to modernize our equipment
1 month later...
Boss: We can't go on with these equipment...
2 years later...
Boss: We need better equipment... I've been saying it for the last two years... Get on it!
Programmer: But you're the one who buys the equipment
Boss: Well... On second thought, this equipment is good enough to what we're doing

Client: I need a software to calculate the numbers of lottery
Programmer: Oh, but it's impossible!
Client: No, it isn't! I have all the idea on my mind.
Programmer: Do you know the probability?
Client: Oh, yeah. I have some formulas on my mind... It's very simple...
Programmer: There are billions of combinations!
Client: I have the formulas. I only need someone to code it...
Programmer: Ok. If you want a program, I can code a program...
Client: Great. So I'll pay you with 10% of the prize!

Manager: I think you should drink less coffee
Programmer: Less coffee implies less productivity
Manager: But it can also give you gastritis
Programmer: No, it won't, because I already have
Manager: Ok. But too much coffee also makes your teeth yellow
Programmer: So there's no problem! My teeth never appear on these comics!