/* True story sent by Tonny */
Support: Hi. I’m visiting our client here, but he can’t find the record. What can I tell him?
Programmer: Ask him to click on “remove filter”
Support: He can’t.
Programmer: Why not?
Support: He’s using a laptop and laptops don’t have mice…
Programmer: PLOFT!
--
T-shirt: <t-shirt>

/* true story lived by airton And elias */
Programmer: Man, I’m going to give an iPad to my girlfriend…
A.P.: You’re going to give your girlfriend an iPad?!?
Programmer: Yep…
A.P.: Do you wanna date me?

/* True story sent by Lucas Saliba */
Boss: I want you to put a user auth on the payments page.
Programmer: Alright... Just so I know... Why do you need to auth the payments?
Boss: It’s simple... Imagine you lose your bill, then some wise guy finds it and goes and pays it...
--
T-shirt: I'm back

/* True story sent by Elison j. */
Programmer: Man, this is my first day here... Could you answer me a question?
Coworker: Say it...
Programmer: Where's the coffee?
Coworker: Coffee? Nobody drinks coffee here...
Programmer: LET ME OUT!!!
--
T-shirt: No coffee, no life

/* True story sent by Gabriel Fonseca */
Boss: The names of your methods aren't obvious...
Programmer: What do you mean?
Boss: The point is that I never know which verb was used
Programmer: exclude() isn't obvious?
Boss: 'Exclude' is the worst! It has to be 'delete' because it's the same letter
Programmer: BUT WHAT LETTER??
--
T-shirt: Go figure

(Coffee break...)
Coworker 1: I was wondering... What is the answer to life, the universe and everything? Love?
Coworker 2: Success?
Coworker 1: Happiness?
Programmer: he he he
Coworker 2: Why are you laughing?
Programmer: Because I know the answer… But you won’t like it...
--
T-shirt: 42

Client: So, have you finished those modifications on our system?
Programmer: Not yet. It will be done only by tomorrow, afternoon
Client: Tomorrow?!? But it's just a simple modification!
Programmer: ok. I'm sending it now to your email
Client: What?? Have you finished??
Programmer: No. I'm sending the source code. Since it's simple, you can do it by yourself
--
T-shirt: You're wrong. Always.

/* true story sent by Washington Aquino */
Programmer: Do you have an updated backup from the database? I'll need to restore it.
Support: Backup??? Oh, sure, I have it...
(At the computer)
DROP DATABASE?
OK!
Programmer: Can you send me the backup, please?
Support: Well... backup??? uh... I was embarrassed to tell it... But I don't know what a Backup is
--
T-Shirt: Why didn't I go to med school?

/* Sent by Muriel Godoi */
Programmer: I developed a new way to generate random strings...
A. P.: How? It's based on processor's clock?
Programmer? No... Just let the trainee using the "VI" and asked him to close it...
A. P.: Effective...

Friend: I've heard about "free" and "proprietary" software... Why do you call "proprietary" the non-free software?
Programmer: It's simple... Because when you buy the software, in a weird way, it becomes your proprietary... He owns you!
Friend: But if I bought it, i'm the owner!
Programmer: Really?? So, who defines how will you use the software? Or on how many computers you can use it? Or if you can update it? Or else, who chooses if you can know how it works inside...