Boss: Hey, I’m worried about this satellite thing… I need a program that will calculate where it will fall…
Programmer: Ok. I can deliver it by Monday.
Boss: But it will fall before Monday!
Programmer: Exactly! The program will be 100% accurate!

Transcription ↓

Programmer: Hey, man! What did you do to the database?
Jack: Nothing... Only an update for a client who asked to change the role of an user
Programmer: Uh... And by chance did you change his level to 4?
Jack: That's right. Did you see that in the logs?
Programmer: No! You forgot the WHERE on UPDATE!!! All users are level 4 now!

Friend: Where do you work?
Programmer: On TV
Friend: And what do you do there?
Programmer: Programs... I'm a programmer
Friend: Cool! What time your program is broadcasted?

Uncle: So, my nephew, you're graduated now, right?
Programmer: Yep
Uncle: So now you can make a little system to my snack bar
Programmer: Well, we may...
Uncle: Great! I'll catch you at 1PM. Because I want to use it at 3PM
Programmer: Oh, wait! We're talking about a system or a cheeseburger?

Coworker: "Programming is the best thing you can do dressed"
Coworker: "The advantage of being a programmer is that not even a beach can prevent you from working"
Coworker: "I program, you program, he/she programs, we program, you program, and they sell the program and keep my money"
Coworker: "My coworker read out loud everything I write on twitter. It seems like he's wanting to share with me what I'm saying"

Alex: Man, I'll never understand the women
Programmer: Nobody will... But why are you saying this?
Alex: My wife asked me to go to the market and said: "Bring 6 eggs. If there are potatoes, bring 9." There were potatoes. But she got mad when I arrived only with the 9 eggs...
Programmer: Go figure...

Boss: Our company is merging with Mr. Carey's company, so he came to know
how we do work
Mr. Carey: Do you program in...
Programmer: Java
Mr. Carey: But... To be productive using java, the programmers need to be good
Programmer: True. But tell me... In which language bad programmers can be productive?
<silence>

Friend: Which language is better: java or flash?
Programmer: Uh?
Friend: I want to learn a programming language, because 2 friends of mine want to join me on a new business, to develop an enterprise resource planning (ERP). It will make us rich!
Programmer: Any of you know how to program?
Friend: No. But one of them earn money installing software in cell phones!

Programmer (thinking): These columns need some color...
Boss: Try to put some color on that table
Programmer (thinking): What color should I...
Boss: Blue. There's no blue yet...
Programmer (thinking): It got too dark... I need to...
Boss: It's dark. Use a softer blue
Programmer: Calm down! I'm still testing...
Programmer (thinking): And stop reading my mind!

Programmer: I just finished the Star Labs management system
Boss: Hmmm… I think you could add some red there
Programmer: I just finished the Democratic Republic of Libya website
Boss: What about some red there?
Programmer: I just finished the Greenpeace movement's management system
Boss: Put some red there