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/* true story sent by Rafael Toscano */
Boss: Alonso, what are you doing?
Alonso (on Facebook): It's compiling...
15 min later...
Boss: And now, what are you doing
Alonso (still on facebook): I just work on an interface, but now i'm compiling...
1 hour later
Boss: Alonso, please send your CV to rudolph's email
Alonso: Why?? What happened?
Boss: He asked me if I know a good c++ compiler

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Alonso: It's curious how many guys from our area are married with psychologists. I wonder why...
Programmer: No!! No!! No!! It's a string, you stupid machine who doesn't even makes coffee!
A.P.: Do I need to answer?
Programmer: Sorry... I should not yell at you

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/* True story sent by jeandro */
Programmer: Man, did you see that it crashes when you type letters instead of numbers in that field you created?
Jack: Yeah, it crashes…
Programmer: Alright, so you just need to validate the field…
Jack: The field asks for numbers. The user obviously won’t type letters.
Programmer: Don’t forget the first rule of I.T.: "Never underestimate the user!"

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/* True story sent by Edmilson Felix */
Programmer: DBA? I need a new column in the `workaround` table please.
DBA: Okay! What’s this column for?
Programmer: It will store the URL that the user typed in the browser.
DBA: Hmm… Okay, but what’s an URL?
Programmer:
DBA: Uh, okay. But what a browser?
Programmer:
DBA: Okay, but do you really need this column?
Programmer: NO! I’M ASKING FOR YOU TO CREATE IT, BUT I’LL NEVER USE IT!!

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/* True stories sent by berdam, @PensamentoOgro and João Soares */
Manager: Could you get me a report about the items that aren’t in the system?
Programmer: Ohhhhhhh God!
–
Boss: I think I’ve got a presentation on my laptop but I don’t know when I created it. I need you find it. I will present it this afternoon.
Programmer: How can I find something you that you don’t even know exists?
Boss: You’re the expert!
–
Costumer: Well, the system I need is a piece of cake. You can do it in a week. I just need a customer database, vendor database, financial module, sales module, cash flow, fiscal printer, ...

Boss: Hey, I’m worried about this satellite thing… I need a program that will calculate where it will fall…
Programmer: Ok. I can deliver it by Monday.
Boss: But it will fall before Monday!
Programmer: Exactly! The program will be 100% accurate!

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Programmer: Hey, man! What did you do to the database?
Jack: Nothing... Only an update for a client who asked to change the role of an user
Programmer: Uh... And by chance did you change his level to 4?
Jack: That's right. Did you see that in the logs?
Programmer: No! You forgot the WHERE on UPDATE!!! All users are level 4 now!

Friend: Where do you work?
Programmer: On TV
Friend: And what do you do there?
Programmer: Programs... I'm a programmer
Friend: Cool! What time your program is broadcasted?

Uncle: So, my nephew, you're graduated now, right?
Programmer: Yep
Uncle: So now you can make a little system to my snack bar
Programmer: Well, we may...
Uncle: Great! I'll catch you at 1PM. Because I want to use it at 3PM
Programmer: Oh, wait! We're talking about a system or a cheeseburger?

Coworker: "Programming is the best thing you can do dressed"
Coworker: "The advantage of being a programmer is that not even a beach can prevent you from working"
Coworker: "I program, you program, he/she programs, we program, you program, and they sell the program and keep my money"
Coworker: "My coworker read out loud everything I write on twitter. It seems like he's wanting to share with me what I'm saying"