Alex: Man, I'll never understand the women
Programmer: Nobody will... But why are you saying this?
Alex: My wife asked me to go to the market and said: "Bring 6 eggs. If there are potatoes, bring 9." There were potatoes. But she got mad when I arrived only with the 9 eggs...
Programmer: Go figure...

Boss: Our company is merging with Mr. Carey's company, so he came to know
how we do work
Mr. Carey: Do you program in...
Programmer: Java
Mr. Carey: But... To be productive using java, the programmers need to be good
Programmer: True. But tell me... In which language bad programmers can be productive?
<silence>

Friend: Which language is better: java or flash?
Programmer: Uh?
Friend: I want to learn a programming language, because 2 friends of mine want to join me on a new business, to develop an enterprise resource planning (ERP). It will make us rich!
Programmer: Any of you know how to program?
Friend: No. But one of them earn money installing software in cell phones!

Programmer (thinking): These columns need some color...
Boss: Try to put some color on that table
Programmer (thinking): What color should I...
Boss: Blue. There's no blue yet...
Programmer (thinking): It got too dark... I need to...
Boss: It's dark. Use a softer blue
Programmer: Calm down! I'm still testing...
Programmer (thinking): And stop reading my mind!

Programmer: I just finished the Star Labs management system
Boss: Hmmm… I think you could add some red there
Programmer: I just finished the Democratic Republic of Libya website
Boss: What about some red there?
Programmer: I just finished the Greenpeace movement's management system
Boss: Put some red there

Programmer (talking to A.P.): Man, I've never seen so many error messages from the compiler!
Boss: So, is the program ready? We're on a deadline!
Programmer: Wait... Just 2 minutes...
(Coding...)
2 minutes later...
Programmer: Alright! It's done!
Boss: Great!
A.P.: How did you finish the program so fast?
Programmer: I just commented out the "error lines"... Now it compiles!

Programmer: Hey, look at this program I wrote... I'll compile it now
Computer: poof!
Programmer: Wait... Now it will work
Computer: poof!
Programmer: Now it will work
Computer: poof!
Programmer: Now it will work
Computer: poof!
5 hours later...
Programmer: Now it will work
Computer: poof!

A. P.: Man, I get mad with these ads... Ads should be more honest
Programmer: If they were honest, they wouldn't be ads
Programmer: Just imagine: "we deliver your system 2 months after deadline", or even "your system with more spaghetti than italy!"... or even worse: "Lowest price for your site, but made using ASP!"

Jack: You'll not believe... I erased all client data by mistake, I don't have a
backup and the server can restore their backup only next week... I'm lost!
Programmer: Well, it could be worse...
Jack: Impossible! How could it be worse?
Programmer: It could be me...

Friend: Free software doesn’t cost anything, so they call it "free"
Programmer: You're wrong, young padawan...
Programmer: Free as in freedom, not as in "Free beer"... But most people usually misunderstand...
Programmer: For example, I did a freelance job in January, but I think they thought that was a "free"lance like "free beer", because they haven't paid me yet...